Conscious Parenting - How it changed my life.

By RJ - Peer Support Worker

I'm sure I was born anxious! Perhaps it was the umbilical cord that was caught around my neck in birth. Or was it my genetic disposition? Anxiety is such a complex issue, so who knows?

Consequently, it was unlikely that anxiety will be absent when I am parenting.

I ignorantly believed that because I had done so much "work" on myself and had worked in the Mental Health industry, I believed that I could create two children free of horrific pain of anxiety, depression and any mental illness!

In my mind, if I could simply teach my kids everything they need to know to avoid emotional pain, then they could avoid the uncomfortable feelings I encountered. I just had to be a "good" mum right?

Let's just say the universe wanted me to accept my capabilities and what I can control. I was shown this by many painful moments in the last 18 years of my parenting. I was shown that it's okay for my kids to experience painful emotions, and that I cannot protect them from it.

I struggled with my children's BIG emotions and my husband's lack of emotion. I would become derailed from my grounded self, the self that could re-parent my own internal Little Girl as well as parent my children. Instead I would jump onto the dance floor of my kids crazy emotions and jump right into fix-it mode to try and put this pain and discomfort to an end!

I became exhausted trying to fix everyone's issues as my Little Girl inside me (inner child) was being severely neglected in the process.

Through Conscious Parenting and Spiritual Psychology I have learned to nurture the Little Girl inside me - my beautiful inner child that was forgotten about for many years since she was 5 years old.

When I had conflicts with my children, I acted out as my inner child screamed "What about me?!" But with over 20 years of therapy - I was still unaware of what my Little Girl needed exactly. Well, she needed me! Perhaps this was the way my brain would hyper focus on the kids, trying to "fix" them first before I had mental capacity to tend to my own needs.

I would resent having to parent all the time, my buttons were easily pressed. I struggled with not having my own space. I felt like the more time I gave to the kids the more time they wanted. Then came the guilt for feeling this way. Then comparisons to other mums who just seemed to have it all together.

I also learned that I could not hide my anxiety and depression from the children.

Our children are affected by our energy, whether we express it verbally or not. This can send us into feeling more guilt ... "Not only do I feel like shit, but my kids are probably being affected by my feelings too ??!! Great!!".

Please know there are ways to experience and heal by processing the emotions from past and present which will in turn show the children how to experience and process their emotions. This is the energy they will eventually pick up on.

My Mum was very involved in supporting me with my parenting challenges. And it was Mum who introduced me to Dr Shefali and Conscious Parenting on Oprah Winfrey about 10 years ago.

As I watched this exotic, elegant Indian/American woman describe Conscious Parenting to Oprah Winfrey, I was pleasantly delighted. My curiosity was piqued.

She spoke of how by negating to do our own emotional healing, we can project our unhealed wounds onto our children. She shared that every time we were triggered by our children, it was actually creating in us an opportunity to heal. Our children are our teachers. This was all new concepts but made so much sense.

Dr Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent (plus four other books since), has flipped the traditional parenting paradigm on its head.
Link here for more information: https://www.drshefali.com/books/

It took me years of study to begin to understand how to do this practice called Conscious Parenting. Even then, I understood the concepts but really couldn’t grasp how to do this in my own chaotic life.

It sounded great in theory but practicing it was another story. How on earth was I meant to keep my calm when my son was throwing verbal abuse at me? Or stay calm and lay a boundary when it feels the kids are about to kill each other? How was I meant to hear and act upon my own needs, when all I could hear was my kids, my husbands and my dogs LOUD needs?!

I needed to understand the practice more. So I completed Dr Shefali’s intense Certification for Conscious Parenting Coaching in 2020 in order to work out how to do this “thing” I knew I wanted to do.

I learned that when unhealed wounds are nurtured with deep, authentic self-compassion, acceptance and awareness through Conscious Parenting, a beautiful shift in energy can occur.

Life started to make sense. I felt grounded and connected to my source energy again. I started to see positive changes in my kids' tantrums and fighting. Although the kids still had their own issues and conflicts, I was able to show up for them in a much more connected and supportive way without the unhealthy enmeshment.

You can read every parenting book and listen to the best parenting podcasts and still not be the parent you want to be.

What will revolutionise the way you parent is by healing your traumas. Resolving harmful internalized thoughts and beliefs. Listening to your feelings and hearing what the message is. Practicing deep authentic self-compassion. And slowing down with mindfulness and gratitude.

Click here for a little snippet of the video I watched when introduced to Conscious Parenting the first time thanks to Mum and Oprah Winfrey.